A Bedtime Story

 

When you’re a kid, a bed is something you don’t want to be in. Except to sleep late on weekends.

As you get older your bed becomes more of a friend. Sometimes better than your real friends.

Recently we got a new mattress. The salespeople talked us in to purchasing one that does everything but take out the trash.

It came with an electronic base and a remote that helped raise and lower it.  Plus, lots of other features.

What they didn’t tell us was the noise it would make during the middle of the night or a light that would come on underneath and wouldn’t turn off. And that was just the beginning.

Its favorite trick was to turn on a vibrating massage motor that we couldn’t get off. Who in the hell wants a vibrator when you’re trying to sleep, don’t get nasty now.

The other issue was the mattress itself. It sat high. Real high. I could not get in or out of it without the help of a stool.

It forced me to sleep on the end so I could find my way down. I did try to maneuver to the middle. Rolled this way and that. Two cats blocked me from moving to the center. My husband slept away oblivious to the whole thing.

My one cat loved the header which went up and down. He thought he was on some type of Disney ride and just sat at the very top of the pillow, smiled from ear to ear.

The other cat, long and rotund, was less motivated.  He can sleep anywhere at any time, even on me, and proved to be an immovable object. His favorite trick is to put his tail in my face. I guess that’s called love.

One night the bed came down with a bang. Enough to scare us all. I don’t sleep well anyway but this loud noise was enough to wake up the dead.

I let the furniture store know about this in my own terms. We went back to their showroom and said make it all go away. I humbly told them we wanted another bed. One that doesn’t go up. One that doesn’t go down. And one without a light that comes on in the middle of the night.

Just give us a bed that sits low. One where you don’t have to be a gymnast to get in and out of the damn thing.

Well so far it has all worked out. The other day we finally got it delivered and assembled. Sorry, I’ll have to go now. I’m ready for my nap in my new softer and lower bed. I’m celebrating. See you next time.