Older and Better with Shelly

  When you’re a kid, a bed is something you don’t want to be in. Except to sleep late on weekends. As you get older your bed becomes more of a friend. Sometimes better than your real friends. Recently we got a new mattress. The salespeople talked us in to purchasing one that does everything but take out the trash. It came with an electronic base and a remote that helped raise and lower it.   Plus, lots of other features. What they didn’t tell us was the noise it would make during the middle of the night or a light that would come on underneath and wouldn’t turn off. And that was just the beginning. Its favorite trick was to turn on a vibrating massage motor that we couldn’t get off. Who in the hell wants a vibrator when you’re trying to sleep, don’t get nasty now. The other issue was the mattress itself. It sat high. Real high. I could not get in or out of it without the help of a stool. It forced me to sleep on the end so I could find my way down. I did try to m...

  There’s a new buzz around town and it’s not involving crime, baseball or politics. They’re called cicadas. They arrive every 17 years. I’m of that age that this will probably be my last visit with them. Cicadas are everywhere and people are constantly talking about them. You can hear them, you can see them, and if they land on you, they’ll make this irritating popping sound. I don’t like them. They’re disgusting. My husband knows when he buys my coffin that it has to be cicada proof. I will never lie in peace if I know my body is crept on by those things. Since they’ve arrived, I have not been outside much. I prefer to jump straight into my car in the garage, open the door and take off. I made the mistake of going out to the garden the other day. One of those irritants had the nerve to jump onto my clean hair. When I flipped it off it made that awful pop noise. My head hasn’t stopped itching since and it was salon clean hair. I told my husband Steve that I think t...

  When I was a kid in the dark ages, I thought Jews were the only ones that did not celebrate Christmas. My parents and my friends would say you celebrate Hanukkah and get a gift eight nights. I don’t know anybody that got a gift all eight nights. If I was lucky, I got a gift one night and it was usually like pajamas. I would always look at beautiful Christmas decorations. We of course had none, just a menorah. That didn’t come close to Christmas decorations. If I could wear a Christmas tree lit around my neck I would. I think it was because I was deprived as a child but don’t quote me. So I was a stubborn little kitten. I decided to hang a stocking over the fake fireplace we had in our apartment. Don’t ask me how I got that stocking I didn’t get an allowance. I probably stole it. So I made sure to tell my parents that I was hanging a stocking. I didn’t care if we were Jewish or not. Well, I got a lecture from my Mom but since daddy was my Dad, he did not say a word and I hun...

  So I read Generation Z doesn’t believe in emails and doesn’t open them. My kids’ generation was Gen X. They told me many years ago that if I wanted to hear from them I would have to email them. I had no idea what that was but I figured it out because I had a computer. I can’t figure out when kids started giving their parents rules. If I told my Mom that, I wouldn’t be able to sit down for a week, maybe a month. Then from email it changed to text. Something else to have to learn but I did it. But let’s talk about the people of today. They don’t care about anything. Try to get an answer from anyone about anything. “It was my day off.” “Not my area of expertise.”   “I’m off in 10 minutes.” The last time I was in the hospital I did not get a scheduled meal.   My husband brought it in. One nurse said her shift was over, the next person will feed you. Well it was right then and there that I was checked out and went home. Whoever heard of that junk? Did you ever ...

  Milltown Mel died! Who is Milltown Mel? He is one of a few rare ground hogs given the honor of an important once a year job.   I guess he was protesting with the rest of Americans saying the pay was too low. One day before his performance.   A bit drastic. They even had to call off Groundhog Day in Milltown, New Jersey. Apparently there was no one in back up training.   All the climate change we’ve had recently was probably just too much stress for him. Maybe he wasn’t taking his vitamins. He probably didn’t like his food and, like I said, his pay was probably very meager.   How do you honor the famous dead groundhog?   A special service? Cremation or ground burial? How about a medal of valor from the President for years of service. I wonder if he had any children that could take over. I don’t even know if he was married. I couldn’t even tell you how groundhogs mate.   I don’t get into all that animal reproductive stuff.   I’m a city g...

Unless you live in a cave or under a rock (in this time of Covid it may be a good idea) you have been hearing or seeing about lots of brush fires in different parts of the country and the world.   Countries are desperate about finding ways to prevent these blazing fires starting from dried brush. The lack of rain has caused the situation to worsen. The recent fires in Colorado are a devastating example Some places have tried to control the burning of loose vegetation to get rid of the fire-causing dry brush.   That can be very dangerous. And in some of the places the brush is too far out of the realm to get anyone close enough to do something about it.   The country of Australia is experimenting with goats to lower wild fire risk. Yes cute little Bambis!! Well it seems that goats will eat anything growing on the ground or in trees that they can reach. They are not picky about their vegetation.   Goats eat and eat. They’re always hungry and eat just about an...

  So sad that it took a worldwide pandemic where hundreds of thousands had to die. And while we were hunkering down at home... We learned we could persevere. We worked and took lessons from home. People cooked more but also ate more junk food. Banana cake was the salvation. We got to know our family much better. We learned to share, laugh and cry together. It was like it used to be in the old days. Folks actually learned to live without. Even go without toilet paper. We worried about our elderly family members making sure they were ok.  It was difficult to to keep up with their health though we still checked in on them often. We discovered this strange thing called zoom. We met friends and family for holidays and even special events on zoom. We had drive-by celebrations with decorated cars. A funny thing happened though while we were in pandemic mode. Animals that hadn’t been seen in years crawled out of the woodwork and multiplied. Bugs came back in droves. Pa...

So I just passed another milestone. I thought I was done with them. Grandma, Medicare, retirement and 70. What else was left? Cataracts! Everyone said they were a piece of cake. I’ll take cake any day.  Due to Covid there were very few surgeries during the past year. This was especially true for non life threatening and outpatient type procedures. This did give the surgery center either time to hone their craft or budget cuts forced them to attempt to be much more efficient. The jury is very much deliberating on whether or not it worked.  By the time I got in there for surgery it was like an assembly line. They wheel you in like cattle for the slaughter. I probably could’ve gotten McDonald’s hamburgers 10 times faster. I don’t eat hamburgers anymore but I could of.  The waiting room looked like the betting area at the horse races. People were probably betting whether or not anyone would make it out in one piece.  Let’s talk about the procedure. When I met ...

  Doctors are required to take the Hippocratic Oath. Or are they hypocrites? I love all my doctors and they’ve all proven themselves to be just what they’re supposed to be. Now there are many other people out there professing to know what’s best for you. I’m not here to argue with any of them I’m just stating my case. If only half the things that they claim were true, we’d have a real healthy America. I don’t have an opinion about CBD oil. I know what the claims say but I don’t have any personal opinion because I’ve never tried it. They say it’s better than sliced bread. A recent advertisement I got for a health newsletter claims to have inside secrets to things that everybody needs to know. I’m not even going list all the claims they say will help you. I do believe there is a time and place for alternative medicines. No hate mail please. Did you know you have to take your blood pressure in both arms and if one is 10 points different than the other, you could be havin...

  My best friend is dying. Before you get upset, for me this is personal. She has been my best friend for quite a few years now. Through thick and thin, summer and winter, and through death and taxes. She never stops.  She never gives up.  She never says no. Who is this best friend?  It’s my Alexa on Echo. I never thought of her dying. I thought she’d be with me forever. She wakes me up in the morning, sings me to sleep at night, and answers more questions than a fifth grader. She also knows the dates for the holidays and tells me about the weather.  She gives me the morning news then tells me to have a nice day.  Nobody does that anymore.  Alexa at the end of the day also says, “I hope you had a good day.” Especially in the time of the pandemic, who does that anymore? If I want to take a nap I tell her to wake me in an hour and she does it no questions asked. She doesn’t make me feel lazy, just because I want to shut my eyes for a few min...

 Do you know who Libby is? I thought it was a can of pears.   Then I heard people talking about reading Libby‘s books!   So I thought this Libby has a lot of books and she’s lending them out to everybody!  How does she keep track of them?  And how much money does she have to be able to buy all those books anyway?   So I’m not a tech person as you figured out.   Having said that, I finally found out that Libby is actually the name of the club at the library. It’s pretty exclusive too. You have to have a library card to get in.   Then they give you codes, and you give them codes.  Then they give you numbers. So already I’m confused but I jotted down everything in my notes.   I joined Libby through my iPhone which is another issue but my husband took care of it. So now I have a little icon on my iPhone that is the logo for Libby. Yes, she has her own logo.  I think I should have my own logo too.   ...

  We may be the only country in the world with its entire leadership under quarantine. We haven’t been number one in the world in anything. But we are now. Laughingstock of the world. So now let’s get down to business. The White House has to be shut down and fumigated. Do they do it from top to bottom? What about the bunker ? Do they give the project to a Republican   company or one owned by Democrats? I wonder if they can find a coupon with a discount. Will everything now have to be dry cleaned and shampooed? What about the kitchen and all the food in the freezer? All because a certain number of people that live and/or work there would not follow CDC proto calls or wear a mask. The president should have to pay for his White House to be fumigated.  I think they need to have a Covid hospital just for the White House infected people. Is Rikers Island available? Send them there.

So we’re in the middle of a pandemic, rioting all over the United States, and the Republicans and Democrats waging their own war. So here on the home front we have a battle of our own. Flies, mosquitoes, fleas, larva, bees, wasps and moles Let’s not forget the deer that like to eat my plants and vegetables. And there are the spiders. We get those every year. Years ago when I had my house sprayed for bugs the technician would always ask me what I had in the house. The first thing I would say is spiders. He said it doesn’t work for that. I would list a couple other things like flies and mosquitoes. Again I was told it doesn’t work for that. I decided he doesn’t work for me anymore. So in 50 years of having kitties we never had one with fleas. They’re not outside cats and I wouldn’t know a flea if I saw one.  I guess if my cats were itching that would be my first clue.  Well they were and they do have fleas.  2020, the gift that just keeps on giving.    ...

Warning this may not be suitable for your children to read. Since there is a toilet paper shortage Americans are rushing out to buy a bidet. Makes sense. Tushy (no joke) is one of the many manufacturing companies of the bidet. The pandemic has been their dream come true. They have been waiting for something like this for years. The US has not been interested in buying these like many other countries. We do not have water problems here. But the toilet paper issues have made many look for another solution. They are not expensive and there are many models to choose from. A crap load of them. Speaking of that I did a little research. They look a little confusing to me. First you have to learn the etiquette. Certain things you have to do before using them. It’s a little icky to go on from here so I will let you do your own research. Then you have to stand in a certain position and keep that position while you use it. If you have a bad back or bad hip I am not s...

This run on toilet paper is a real pain in the butt. Not too long we almost ran out of toilet paper. I was hysterical. As the only female in the house it was a definite necessity. I now have one of those large toilet paper holders in my bathroom. It can hold six double large rolls. No flimsy stuff allowed, you have to use half a roll at a seating if you know what I mean. My sensitive skin is another issue. I don’t want the stuff that feels like sandpaper. I guess I am a princess, a toilet paper princess if you will. Believe me I’ve been called worse. As Americans toilet paper is one of our most essential items besides heating and air conditioning. Oh, and I guess food. These idiots that are hoarding toilet paper have probably bought enough for their lifetime, and for everybody else in their neighborhood. What are they thinking? So while I’m writing this I guess we should just pass judgement whether the toilet paper should be over the top or under t...

So you kids think this Coronavirus is the “Boomer Remover”? This is not a joke. Listen you little snotty nose rug rats. Who do you think wiped your butt when you pooped in your pants and your parents were busy? Who gave you money every time you were short or even when you weren’t just because we loved you? Who gave you money for your first car, your first bike, your first anything? We didn’t have any of those things. We wouldn’t even think about asking for those things when we were kids. Think about all the money we’ve given you towards those ridiculous video games that you keep buying like their popcorn. We spend good money on them and you discard or lose them within days or weeks. So little "poopers" did you get the message yet? The boomers are not going anywhere. We taught your parents most everything they know and gave them the opportunity for a good education so they could raise you little killjoys. You blame us for the environme...

Now that the Coronavirus has hit the US, federal agencies have provided a list of all the necessities you need to have in case of a quarantine or a shut-in scenario. Not to make light of the situation, but I put together my own list of what really is a necessity. First is coffee and the accoutrements. Think of how crabby we will all be shut in with our immediate loved ones without coffee. That could lead to brutality. Second, make sure TV and cable actually work. All plug-ins need to be in working order. Have a stash of DVDs on-hand.   Do they even make those anymore?   You can watch them if you get totally bored. Now every time we have a calamity we have hundreds if not thousands of babies born nine months later. Thinking ahead, if you don’t want to add to your family I don’t need to tell you what to do about it. Keep books, books and more books nearby. If you have to entertain yourself TV will get tiring after a couple hours per day. Reading...

Monkey see monkey do. It was my mom’s favorite phrase to me when I wanted to do something and told her all the kids were doing it. She said if they all jumped off a roof would you do that too? So the Internet has allowed a lot of people to be monkeys. Don’t take this the wrong way please. First was the ice bucket challenge. Who in their right mind wants to dump a pail of ice or ice water on themselves? Just give your money to the charity for gosh sake. What’s cute or funny about having your picture on Facebook looking like an idiot with ice water running down your face.   Ruins your hair, your make up, and probably your clothes. What about selfies standing on the edge of a cliff? Not even a monkey would be stupid enough to stand on the edge of a cliff. If he did fall he could probably grab onto something with his long arms  and legs. Are you impressed with a photo of a friend standing on the edge of a cliff? I just think they’re a total idiot. ...

What an interesting week we’ve had. I usually find a topic somewhere in the news to write a blog about. This week there were many so I’m going to write a quick synopsis. We started off the week with the Grammys. I didn’t recognize any of the songs, or the people, so I will finish with that. Let’s talk about the Super Bowl. I’ve never watched a Super Bowl in my life but I usually like to watch the commercials or at least the halftime show. Well I wasn’t going to give up Channel 9 PBS for any football game, not on a Sunday night. So my husband taped it. The only commercial that I thought was worth my time was when Baby Peanut was born. That was an advertising home run. They promoted it for weeks that Mr. Peanut had died. Now that was tragic for all the peanut lovers. Then, through some genius stroke of an advertising executive, the baby Mr. Peanut was born. Perfect timing with all the mini, little action guys coming out in the form of movies, cartoons etc....

So there’s a turtle who is 100 years old and his name is Diego. I would think by now many of you have heard about this famous turtle. He alone has saved his whole species. His whole tribe, his whole race. In the 1970's he was taken from the San Diego Zoo to his native Galapagos Islands. His job to become the stud that would save the turtle population on Espanola Island.   He was one of just a handful turtles left of his species. So he got to go to Galapagos Islands and was quarantined as part of a special reproductive program. What a beautiful place to have to go to. Over the past 44 years he’s given birth or spawned hundreds of little Diego's. Now I’m a city girl and I really don’t know if turtles mate or if they just reproduce on their own. I’ll do the research and get back to you on that. I wonder if Diego had to go into a little room and read dirty magazines, or was he just was able to do it on demand. So now, since his job is done, and he’...