Spanx, No Thanks!

I thought by the time women started designing fashions for other women the cruelty would be gone.

When they first came out I realized pantyhose had to be designed by a man. I was so thrilled when people stopped wearing those disgusting things.

I never could get a pair of pantyhose to fit my long legs. If they were long enough they were baggy. If you were lucky enough to get a pair that actually fit they would get a run the first time you would wear them. I would rather freeze to death in a pair of heels then wear those things. Enough said about that.

I won’t talk about bygone days. Remember when those poor women had to wear the lace up girdles? In the movies they show their servants pulling them so tight the woman would lose about 4 inches or more in their waist. Studies show that those women suffered from lots of internal issues later in life.

I had worn little panty girdles back in the day to hold my then thin tummy in. That seemed to work well.

Then along came Spanx. Hailed by Oprah as the best invention for women in the last 100 years, everyone has been buying them like they are the best thing since sliced bread.

When they first came out I had a little bit of a tummy and figured I needed to see what this is was all about. I was told you had to be fitted for one, you just couldn’t go to the store and buy it.

About this time I was surprising my husband with a second wedding to celebrate our 20th anniversary. We would be celebrating in our favorite place in Maui. I always wanted to get married on the beach barefooted and this was going to be it. I was just a suppressed flower child at heart.

I must of had sand in my brain when I thought I needed to wear Spanx on this special day. Who does that getting married barefooted on the beach?

So I went to the store where they have specialized fittings for Spanx. I was told how to get them on. I already had two bad shoulders so this was an impossible feat for me.

Nevertheless I pursued and bought this thing. When I found out you don’t wear underpants with Spanx I was immediately turned off. It was unsanitary and that’s not even mentioning the one inch hole in the bottom that you were supposed to do your business through. Do you know any woman who could do her business through a one inch hole in the bottom of her underwear? Really I’d pay to see that.

To Maui we went with my Spanx. To celebrate the occasion I had bought a beautiful two-piece long, white, Hawaii inspired dress. It is the kind people wear to get married in on the beach.

My husband by then knew something was up. On our wedding day he had to help me pull up this Spanx contraption. I told him our friend Elaine, who now resides in Maui, had a treat for us and we had to dress really nice. She was totally in on this, my latest caper.

Elaine found us a minister of sorts.  He came along with his wife. They also took pictures. So when we got to the beach and I said to my hubby take your shoes off, he was like what the hell are we doing now and why is he Elaine with us? By then he was used to my craziness and actually liked surprises because he wasn’t as creative as I was.

The wedding went off without a hitch. We timed it to take place late in the day so we could take advantage of one of those beautiful Maui sunsets, the kind people pay a lot of money to watch.

Elaine even took us out for a wedding celebration.

Honeymoon night you say? Well we had one OK. I threw up all night from having that darn Spanx pushing my insides where they had no right to go.

I think progressive women now should keep their bras but burn their Spanx.