Older and Better with Shelly

This run on toilet paper is a real pain in the butt. Not too long we almost ran out of toilet paper. I was hysterical. As the only female in the house it was a definite necessity. I now have one of those large toilet paper holders in my bathroom. It can hold six double large rolls. No flimsy stuff allowed, you have to use half a roll at a seating if you know what I mean. My sensitive skin is another issue. I don’t want the stuff that feels like sandpaper. I guess I am a princess, a toilet paper princess if you will. Believe me I’ve been called worse. As Americans toilet paper is one of our most essential items besides heating and air conditioning. Oh, and I guess food. These idiots that are hoarding toilet paper have probably bought enough for their lifetime, and for everybody else in their neighborhood. What are they thinking? So while I’m writing this I guess we should just pass judgement whether the toilet paper should be over the top or under t...

So you kids think this Coronavirus is the “Boomer Remover”? This is not a joke. Listen you little snotty nose rug rats. Who do you think wiped your butt when you pooped in your pants and your parents were busy? Who gave you money every time you were short or even when you weren’t just because we loved you? Who gave you money for your first car, your first bike, your first anything? We didn’t have any of those things. We wouldn’t even think about asking for those things when we were kids. Think about all the money we’ve given you towards those ridiculous video games that you keep buying like their popcorn. We spend good money on them and you discard or lose them within days or weeks. So little "poopers" did you get the message yet? The boomers are not going anywhere. We taught your parents most everything they know and gave them the opportunity for a good education so they could raise you little killjoys. You blame us for the environme...

Now that the Coronavirus has hit the US, federal agencies have provided a list of all the necessities you need to have in case of a quarantine or a shut-in scenario. Not to make light of the situation, but I put together my own list of what really is a necessity. First is coffee and the accoutrements. Think of how crabby we will all be shut in with our immediate loved ones without coffee. That could lead to brutality. Second, make sure TV and cable actually work. All plug-ins need to be in working order. Have a stash of DVDs on-hand.   Do they even make those anymore?   You can watch them if you get totally bored. Now every time we have a calamity we have hundreds if not thousands of babies born nine months later. Thinking ahead, if you don’t want to add to your family I don’t need to tell you what to do about it. Keep books, books and more books nearby. If you have to entertain yourself TV will get tiring after a couple hours per day. Reading...

Monkey see monkey do. It was my mom’s favorite phrase to me when I wanted to do something and told her all the kids were doing it. She said if they all jumped off a roof would you do that too? So the Internet has allowed a lot of people to be monkeys. Don’t take this the wrong way please. First was the ice bucket challenge. Who in their right mind wants to dump a pail of ice or ice water on themselves? Just give your money to the charity for gosh sake. What’s cute or funny about having your picture on Facebook looking like an idiot with ice water running down your face.   Ruins your hair, your make up, and probably your clothes. What about selfies standing on the edge of a cliff? Not even a monkey would be stupid enough to stand on the edge of a cliff. If he did fall he could probably grab onto something with his long arms  and legs. Are you impressed with a photo of a friend standing on the edge of a cliff? I just think they’re a total idiot. ...

What an interesting week we’ve had. I usually find a topic somewhere in the news to write a blog about. This week there were many so I’m going to write a quick synopsis. We started off the week with the Grammys. I didn’t recognize any of the songs, or the people, so I will finish with that. Let’s talk about the Super Bowl. I’ve never watched a Super Bowl in my life but I usually like to watch the commercials or at least the halftime show. Well I wasn’t going to give up Channel 9 PBS for any football game, not on a Sunday night. So my husband taped it. The only commercial that I thought was worth my time was when Baby Peanut was born. That was an advertising home run. They promoted it for weeks that Mr. Peanut had died. Now that was tragic for all the peanut lovers. Then, through some genius stroke of an advertising executive, the baby Mr. Peanut was born. Perfect timing with all the mini, little action guys coming out in the form of movies, cartoons etc....

So there’s a turtle who is 100 years old and his name is Diego. I would think by now many of you have heard about this famous turtle. He alone has saved his whole species. His whole tribe, his whole race. In the 1970's he was taken from the San Diego Zoo to his native Galapagos Islands. His job to become the stud that would save the turtle population on Espanola Island.   He was one of just a handful turtles left of his species. So he got to go to Galapagos Islands and was quarantined as part of a special reproductive program. What a beautiful place to have to go to. Over the past 44 years he’s given birth or spawned hundreds of little Diego's. Now I’m a city girl and I really don’t know if turtles mate or if they just reproduce on their own. I’ll do the research and get back to you on that. I wonder if Diego had to go into a little room and read dirty magazines, or was he just was able to do it on demand. So now, since his job is done, and he’...

I remember when I was a kid the telephone was scarcely used. It was meant for emergency situations. It was a treat if you even could afford one. My parents had what was called a four party line and entertainment for me was listening in on other peoples’ conversations. Of course I was too young to know what they were talking about at the time but just knowing I was doing something naughty was thrilling. I remember when my aunts would travel they would want to let my mom know that they got to their destination without an issue.   However, to make a long distance call was extremely expensive. So they would make a collect call through the operator and ask for the dog’s name or kid’s name, and then my mom would say they’re not home. That was the signal to let my mom know they had safely arrived at their destination. As people become wealthier they were actually able to have their own phone with their own line. My parents had a phone in the kitchen with only a 1...